Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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