Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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