it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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