It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
