I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
