Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
