Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
