It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
