I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
