He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
