Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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