How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
