His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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