You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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