she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have post one night stand depression
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
