Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
