You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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