I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
