I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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