So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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