Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
