In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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