He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
