2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
