wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
