Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
