Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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