im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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