this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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