so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
