Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
