this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
