theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
