Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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