I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
