haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
