you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
vagina is talking i cant
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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