Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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