im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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