I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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