I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
