i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize