i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
