I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
