addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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