how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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