so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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