Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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