I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
