dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
