so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
