I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize