I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
