we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize