apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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