Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
