I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
