I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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