Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
