Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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