i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
sarcasm needs its own font
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize