Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
