No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
