Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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