Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
