a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
