my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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