Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
