How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
