I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
