i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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