I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish you could order shots online.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
