she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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