I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
